I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
