well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
