So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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