I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
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CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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