Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
