Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
