my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize