Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
