Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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