I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
