at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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