Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
