remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
