My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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