When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
