probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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