quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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