But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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