why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
