Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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