Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
