Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
