Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heโs Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Oh and itโs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ๐๐๐๐ฌ๐ณ๐
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