Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
