I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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