I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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