saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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