oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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