She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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