He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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