either way he was missing a nipple.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
