The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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