My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.