Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
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I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
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I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients