So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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