Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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