saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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