Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
