in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
