i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
