Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
