We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
