the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
