Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
