I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
