my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
My liver just had a heart attack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize