They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
