I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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