Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Still dying that you shit outside
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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