He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
