god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
