just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
