I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
