On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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