you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
