We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
