Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
